Every now and then, and very often,
I find myself battling in pain
caused by people in my life who make me feel I will Never be Good Enough.
And I know
because of how they are
I can never shake it off.
With them, I will never be good enough
In society, you're Never Enough.
Whether it's in the modern developed world,
or in the traditional conservative communities.
You can never be enough.
No matter how hard you try,
no matter how much effort you put in
to become a better version of yourself,
you will never be good enough.
It's a bottomless pit - you can never satisfy others.
This is how I know I can never fit in nor want to fit in to standard society,
or to be around very uninteresting, vain, common people.
it'd be the fact that I'm not a qualified social worker at work,
as if because I'm not a qualified social worker, therefore I'm an useless idiot that needs everything proofread by someone and signed out and never to be trusted or promoted.
They'd never hear me when I have stated to them clearly that it sickened me to have to do the old intensive mentally draining job again when I have already moved into a different role,
yet they repeatedly ask me to help out once and once again - because of the inability of the current staff to finish the things at hand.
They'd always strike as if they view me as I am incapable of doing anything at all,
just because I'm not a qualified social worker.
And because I was not a social worker,
they seem to think I have no intelligence or capability to rise higher in this job.
They see themselves as subject experts,
and appreciate other social workers,
and deem anyone else who aren't social workers to be lesser than them.
I work so hard, and take on the majority of the work in all the jobs I've done in this team.
Yet I don't get a word of appreciation from management,
Nor would I ever see a payrise or a promotion to another role for my development.
In fact, when the new job was offered to be in the team,
I heard the manager say in front of me to the Team Leader,
"Not this, not this, this is too high. This one."
And gave me the lowest starting rate for the new advisor role.
This is just when I had to cancel my trip altogether for them, too,
because of their own inability to hire a new staff to cover for the lost staff members.
No matter how much I do for them,
it will all be futile,
and never be valued.
Every now and then,
I'd get the "Why don't you get an iPhone."
All these years,
All I use is Android devices and Huawei phones with Snapdragon/Harmony OS.
There's so much diveristy and so many more options with Android.
Whereas Apple is just this one dead thing, limiting and monopolising.
I have vowed to never ever use an iPhone, nor to purchase any Apple products,
because of what they represent to me in my personal life.
When I heard the "Why don't you go get an iPhone"
after I had just bought the latest Pixel,
hoping that I'd not hear that stupid not-applicable sentence ever again,
Yet it came back once again.
It hits me like a train in my chest,
that all the effort I had put into finding a good phone,
the latest and the best,
putting money every fortnightly aside
money that I wouldn't even spend on food
for a phone,
it was all futile.
All pointless effort.
They will never be satisfied or approve of what ever you have
just because you don't have a damn iPhone.
I just want iPhone OUT of my life.
I don't want to even SEE it.
Using an iPhone is like a frog living in a well.
You think you have the best piece of the sky above you,
but you've NO idea all the sky that stretches beyond that.
I'd get it from my family,
who'd either disapprove of either the place I lived,
or making derogatory comments about how I live,
criticises the people in my life;
sometimes they'd tell me to own less clothes,
why is it even their business?
I buy the clothes with the money that I make.
I can do whatever the hell I want with it,
especially when the clothings choices I make are all good for the environment and good for my skin,
when theirs are not only full of horrible synethic fabric,
and is also - not like mine - unbranded random clothing lines.
Or they'd tell me to cut my hair,
I know my hair is long, but I cut it regularly,
I cut it to help it grow and thrive.
When my most judgmental aunty saw my hair after 7 years this March,
she held it and admired its length.
Any I know they all mean well,
and they all make casual comments without thinking twice,
but they never communicate it in a kind or caring manner,
sometimes they feel like self-projections;
but it all come across as disapproval,
and that's not really my problem, is it.
I can never understand people who want to control or demand other people to do/ have what they really want for themselves.
People all live in different ways.
They made their own choices, so just leave them be.
Live, and let live - that's always been my life motto.
The things the closest people in my life say to me in casual, unappreciative ways
The words cut and drill into my chest,
and cause upheavals at a depth they can never surmise.
The impact of their opinions are deeper than any others'.
They don't even realise the gravity and weight those comments can have on me
Their words come down on my heart like a monolith,
silently yet loudly goes on repeat in my mind.
They make me feel lowly and unworthy.
& These are the things that come up in my head:
"You'll never be good enough."
"You never can be."
"Why did you even try?"
"You will never get what you truly deserve in life - whether it is recognition, appreciation, or peace."
I wonder why these comments are always made by the people closest to me.
They don't even know me well enough,
nor do they have authority over my life.
Hearing their judgmental comments make me want to put them all on silent mode,
if only there could be a Mute button in life.
And whenever I hear them talk like that,
I just want to get away from them,
but I don't usually have another place of my own to go to.
Which is a good reminder that I should really buy myself an apartment,
so I can have my own time, in a place all of my own.
And they are the most important people in my life,
so I can never leave nor do I want them to leave me.
How can you be free from your own family??
Nor can you expect them to be better people,
to be more considerate, or to be more aware.
Those are things outside of your control.
The only thing you can control is yourself and your own reaction.
After processing the feelings inside,
You can still rely on one thing that never fails to make you feel whole again:
And that is
You cannot control what others expect of you, speak of you, think of you,
and you definitely can't get their negativity out of your life
you can get your own good self out of theirs
and out of the dreary drone of quotidien home life
By being in transit, you are taking yourself outside the box.
By being away, you are more at home in yourself.
I find that feeling of being truly me and feeling truly myself when traveling.
Traveling really frees me from the views and shackles of others.
When traveling you are just you, no more, no less, and imperfectly perfect.
You're Fine as you are,
and you'll meet people who won't mind you being who you are, how you are, AS you are.
There is no confines of society, no stupid expectations.
You don't need to be successful or wealthy.
You just need to be you,
a simple being, existing in this big wide world.
You are you,
and you are enough,
you are plenty...
When traveling, you regain who you ARE.
It's just the most freeing feeling.
You are between places, between timezones,
you are nowhere stable, yet very rooted in yourself.
You are not more important or unique than others, yet you are not any less than significant.
You are you, and you are worthy.
You can embody and absorb the values you agree with, learn customs that enliven you,
you can be you while also becoming anybody you wish to be.
You meet people who like you as you are,
admire you as you are,
enjoy your company as you are.
And you feel the same about them.
You meet people who are true,
kind, and simple, and real.
Life is about the moment,
living in the present.
No past, no future.
Just a moving present.
Traveling is just the best.
You are free, because you are as you are, and you can be whoever you desire to be.
I’d spent my life being independent because I had no other choice but to be.
No one’s ever there to look after me and providing me with warmth and companionship,
thinking for me when hunger strikes, when days feel dark, when the heart is heavy.
No, my parents weren't there with me,
I had no siblings,
I moved from school to school too much to develop any permanent deep friendship.
So I have to be strong and move on and get on with it.
Being independent because I can’t afford -& there's no Point - waiting for someone to look after me,
it doesn't mean I'm extremely capable at all,
it doesn't mean I'm invincible, either,
it just means I have no other choice but to pretend I've got it in me to hold it together.
I have always wanted an older brother.
Someone who'd look after me,
someone I can depend on,
someone who would be there when I need him.
Someone who would be my rock, my shelter.
Someone who isn't my father, or lover, nor a friend.
Someone I know I can lean on,
someone who would be there for me.
Someone who'd care about my feelings and look after my daily sentiments,
just like they would like in <<偷偷藏不住>>.
That's why when I do meet someone who does all the little things to look after me
and show me with respect, gentility, kindness, and appreciation,
I go out of my way to visit them, to see them, because I really appreciate them for what they do in their gentlemanly and considerate ways.
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