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Have you ever fallen in love at first sight and not been able to confess for a long long time  I’m a hopeless romantic & a sucker for love stories. Give me a love story, I’ll read it from start to finish. The songs I've been using in this and the last photo come from the OST of a RomCom based on a love story I finished reading on Monday in 1 day. It’s a story where the two protagonists try to hide their love for each other for the longest time The choice of the actor and actress are so cunning & apt that they seem like they walked straight outta the book pages. Especially the lead actor, I’m often so impressed by how he carried himself literally exactly as the character was described in the book: “模样冷淡慵懒” “眼含春色，玩世不恭，温和却又疏远， 吊儿郎当，却又细心温柔到极致”, “清瘦高大，黑发朗眸，出众过艳的五官， 站在光亮之处，显得夺目又张扬” Especially in the latest episodes, the new “铁树开花版 段嘉许” On Weibo, for the last few days, there are quite a few Hot Search hashtags about this character, where people described this period of the story as #段嘉许孔雀开屏 #男狐狸精本人 I love this current dynamic between 桑稚 & 段嘉许, before & while he 摊牌. In the book it was sweet to read but they are after all just black & white words on book pages.  in live action, the actors delivered the birthday scene so well, even I felt the hard-to-Breathe TENSION that the characters were experiencing. In live-action, Moments get stretched, camera is on close-up, cutting between the 2 protagonists, music is in the background building the atmosphere, you can see the actors’ facial expressions and body language. In my opinion, the tension in the 曖昧 period is the Best part of a relationship. It’s like arriving in a new country, learning the ways of the city, navigating it, discovering all the possibilities. I’ve read many books that have been adapted into live-action in the last few years. All of them are love stories, of course~. Many of them have characters that have hidden love for their counterparts. But This one is the sweetest and the lightest in mood and weight. I love the timeless bond the writer set up between 桑稚 & 段嘉许, I especially appreciate the unconditional care and attentiveness they have for each other. When he asked her, what are the requirements you have for someone you would like to be pursued by? He asked these questions as a way to probe her interest on him, which he already discovered. But really, these are requirements that every one should have a standard on for everyone else in their life: Partner, friends, coworkers, classmates, roommates. Who would you allow to continue to exist in your life? Do you have a standard and a reasonable expectation of others, for your own self-care? I feel many people do not necessarily have that rule of thumb about people, because they may not have a standard for themselves, even. For me, I love looking out for my friends where I can, so the qualities I need in friends and neighbors and coworker-become-friends etc are along similar lines, If I don’t receive the same kind of attentiveness or attention from someone, then I would not reach out and give them any more attention, period. If someone doesn’t make contact with me, then I won’t make contact with them either. Because life is all about give-and-take, and a decent amount of self-love. These are the questions I ask for myself / for my friends when it comes to any kind of people-evaluation in life:
I really feel that everyone should evaluate themselves and others this way. I know none of us are perfect, and there are many days where we simply are not well enough to spare the mindspace to look after someone. But I feel we also shouldn’t give too much if the other party simply does not demonstrate that they reciprocate in equal measure. I worry that my friends may sacrifice their own peace for someone who isn’t worth it. I hope all my friends are well cared for in their lives by others, and that they have people that would look after them and look out for them the way 段嘉许 & 桑稚 would look after each other. Theirs should be the basic standard.  Every now and then, and very often, I find myself battling in pain caused by people in my life who make me feel I will Never be Good Enough. And I know because of how they are I can never shake it off. With them, I will never be good enough to them. In society, you're Never Enough. Whether it's in the modern developed world, or in the traditional conservative communities. You can never be enough. No matter how hard you try, no matter how much effort you put in to become a better version of yourself, you will never be good enough. It's a bottomless pit - you can never satisfy others. This is how I know I can never fit in nor want to fit in to standard society, or to be around very uninteresting, vain, common people. Daily, it'd be the fact that I'm not a qualified social worker at work, as if because I'm not a qualified social worker, therefore I'm an useless idiot that needs everything proofread by someone and signed out and never to be trusted or promoted. They'd never hear me when I have stated to them clearly that it sickened me to have to do the old intensive mentally draining job again when I have already moved into a different role, yet they repeatedly ask me to help out once and once again - because of the inability of the current staff to finish the things at hand. They'd always strike as if they view me as I am incapable of doing anything at all, just because I'm not a qualified social worker. And because I was not a social worker, they seem to think I have no intelligence or capability to rise higher in this job. They see themselves as subject experts, and appreciate other social workers, and deem anyone else who aren't social workers to be lesser than them. I work so hard, and take on the majority of the work in all the jobs I've done in this team. Yet I don't get a word of appreciation from management, Nor would I ever see a payrise or a promotion to another role for my development. In fact, when the new job was offered to be in the team, I heard the manager say in front of me to the Team Leader, "Not this, not this, this is too high. This one." And gave me the lowest starting rate for the new advisor role. This is just when I had to cancel my trip altogether for them, too, because of their own inability to hire a new staff to cover for the lost staff members. No matter how much I do for them, it will all be futile, and never be valued. Every now and then, I'd get the "Why don't you get an iPhone." All these years, All I use is Android devices and Huawei phones with Snapdragon/Harmony OS. There's so much diveristy and so many more options with Android. Whereas Apple is just this one dead thing, limiting and monopolising. I have vowed to never ever use an iPhone, nor to purchase any Apple products, because of what they represent to me in my personal life. When I heard the "Why don't you go get an iPhone" after I had just bought the latest Pixel, hoping that I'd not hear that stupid not-applicable sentence ever again, Yet it came back once again. Like fuuuuuck. It hits me like a train in my chest, that all the effort I had put into finding a good phone, the latest and the best, putting money every fortnightly aside money that I wouldn't even spend on food for a phone, it was all futile. All pointless effort. They will never be satisfied or approve of what ever you have just because you don't have a damn iPhone. Honestly, I just want iPhone OUT of my life. I don't want to even SEE it. Using an iPhone is like a frog living in a well. You think you have the best piece of the sky above you, but you've NO idea all the sky that stretches beyond that. Occasionally, I'd get it from my family, who'd either disapprove of either the place I lived, or making derogatory comments about how I live, criticises the people in my life; sometimes they'd tell me to own less clothes, why is it even their business? I buy the clothes with the money that I make. I can do whatever the hell I want with it, especially when the clothings choices I make are all good for the environment and good for my skin, when theirs are not only full of horrible synethic fabric, and is also - not like mine - unbranded random clothing lines. Or they'd tell me to cut my hair, I know my hair is long, but I cut it regularly, I cut it to help it grow and thrive. When my most judgmental aunty saw my hair after 7 years this March, she held it and admired its length. Any I know they all mean well, and they all make casual comments without thinking twice, but they never communicate it in a kind or caring manner, sometimes they feel like self-projections; but it all come across as disapproval, and that's not really my problem, is it. I can never understand people who want to control or demand other people to do/ have what they really want for themselves. People all live in different ways. They made their own choices, so just leave them be. Live, and let live - that's always been my life motto. The things the closest people in my life say to me in casual, unappreciative ways hurt me. The words cut and drill into my chest, and cause upheavals at a depth they can never surmise. The impact of their opinions are deeper than any others'. They don't even realise the gravity and weight those comments can have on me Their words come down on my heart like a monolith, silently yet loudly goes on repeat in my mind. They make me feel lowly and unworthy. & These are the things that come up in my head: "You'll never be good enough." "You never can be." "Why did you even try?" "You will never get what you truly deserve in life - whether it is recognition, appreciation, or peace." I wonder why these comments are always made by the people closest to me. They don't even know me well enough, nor do they have authority over my life. Hearing their judgmental comments make me want to put them all on silent mode, if only there could be a Mute button in life. And whenever I hear them talk like that, I just want to get away from them, but I don't usually have another place of my own to go to. Which is a good reminder that I should really buy myself an apartment, so I can have my own time, in a place all of my own. And they are the most important people in my life, so I can never leave nor do I want them to leave me. How can you be free from your own family?? Nor can you expect them to be better people, to be more considerate, or to be more aware. That's impossible. Those are things outside of your control. The only thing you can control is yourself and your own reaction. After processing the feelings inside, You can still rely on one thing that never fails to make you feel whole again: And that is traveling. You cannot control what others expect of you, speak of you, think of you, and you definitely can't get their negativity out of your life at least, you can get your own good self out of theirs and out of the dreary drone of quotidien home life by traveling. By being in transit, you are taking yourself outside the box. By being away, you are more at home in yourself. I find that feeling of being truly me and feeling truly myself when traveling. Traveling really frees me from the views and shackles of others. When traveling you are just you, no more, no less, and imperfectly perfect. You're Fine as you are, and you'll meet people who won't mind you being who you are, how you are, AS you are. There is no confines of society, no stupid expectations. You don't need to be successful or wealthy. You just need to be you, a simple being, existing in this big wide world. You are you, and you are enough, you are plenty... When traveling, you regain who you ARE. It's just the most freeing feeling. You are between places, between timezones, you are nowhere stable, yet very rooted in yourself. You are not more important or unique than others, yet you are not any less than significant. You are you, and you are worthy. You can embody and absorb the values you agree with, learn customs that enliven you, you can be you while also becoming anybody you wish to be. You meet people who like you as you are, admire you as you are, enjoy your company as you are. And you feel the same about them. You meet people who are true, kind, and simple, and real. Life is about the moment, living in the present. No past, no future. Just a moving present. Traveling is just the best. You are free, because you are as you are, and you can be whoever you desire to be. ***************************** I’d spent my life being independent because I had no other choice but to be. No one’s ever there to look after me and providing me with warmth and companionship, thinking for me when hunger strikes, when days feel dark, when the heart is heavy. No, my parents weren't there with me, I had no siblings, I moved from school to school too much to develop any permanent deep friendship. So I have to be strong and move on and get on with it. Being independent because I can’t afford -& there's no Point - waiting for someone to look after me, it doesn't mean I'm extremely capable at all, it doesn't mean I'm invincible, either, it just means I have no other choice but to pretend I've got it in me to hold it together. I have always wanted an older brother. Someone who'd look after me, someone I can depend on, someone who would be there when I need him. Someone who would be my rock, my shelter. Someone who isn't my father, or lover, nor a friend. Someone I know I can lean on, someone who would be there for me. Someone who'd care about my feelings and look after my daily sentiments, just like they would like in <<偷偷藏不住>>.  That's why when I do meet someone who does all the little things to look after me
and show me with respect, gentility, kindness, and appreciation, I go out of my way to visit them, to see them, because I really appreciate them for what they do in their gentlemanly and considerate ways.  As most things at Oranga Tamariki, The Gallup Strengths test which I so looked forward to ended up being such a disappointment. I’d taken Gallup Strength test thanks to an amazing management team at Massey during my time at MAWSA for the role that was the best job I’ve ever had. I was encouraged to do it, and it was also an opportunity for the staff member who guided me through it as a training and development opportunity. It was not only a highlight for me, it also ended up being something I often looked back to and referred to in intellectual conversations with my favourite friend – who also did the test, and when preparing for interviews for the jobs I applied for after my contract at MAWSA ended. Thanks to Sarah and Mags, and Anna who took me through the Gallup strengths test, I felt like I got to not only know myself better, I felt the parts of myself that made me who I am got recognised and highlighted through this test. It was a very amazing feeling to be recognised for one’s strengths, instead of constantly being beaten down for your weakness – which is what I experience on a weekly basis in my team at Oranga Tamariki. And after a few years of hoping I could do it again, And even requesting for it in one of the team huis prior, we finally got offered before our team hui this year. After we each did the Gallup strengths test, we would bring our results with us to our team hui. In the 1st day of the hui, for the whole afternoon, we went through our strengths as a group, and also got around the hui space to find our “ideal” partner. I used the Gallup key words for strengths and sought for the following qualities in the colleagues in my team (because these are the qualities I value in human beings in general, therefore they’d make great coworkers as well): “Context” “Harmony” “Empathy” “Inclusiveness” “Positivity” And it was great to see that the colleagues who I like a lot happen to BE the very ones that fulfil these criteria I seek in people. And they were: Mandy, Wendy, and Claudia. It was a shame that Xakielia wasn’t there, because she already makes a great colleague, I’ve no doubt she’d check off some of my favourite qualities herself. What became outright disappointing though Was how the Strengths test result ended up categorising me by my leading traits. I apparently lead by Strategic. So on the 2nd day of our team hui, We were asked to sit in groups according to our leading Strengths trait. I ended up in a group for Strategic, 3 of whom were the dominating voices in the group, While Yen and I sat there totally didn’t feel like we belonged. We both liked watching romantic comedy and probably were just congenial semi-introverts that led us to fall under this group, because if you prefer to spend time alone watching shows and reading books, you’d end up with the attribute of “intellection”. I can’t remember what Yen got in her top 5, but she certainly was like me, surprised to find ourselves in the Strategic group, While the 3 loudest voices in the group spoke of things they love and hate that I myself definitely could not relate to less. One was saying, they must align the color pens in gradient colors. One said, no fluff, please give me factual, fact-checked, evidence-based information, and that the information needs to make rational logical sense; and that they cannot have matching colors, unlike the 1st one. The Execution group voiced their Love and Hate, Love - “No Fluff” Hate – “Fluff.” The last and biggest group in my team was Relationship Builders -- Love – “Fluff” Hate – “No Fluff”. By this point, I was getting out of mind internally putting my head in my hands feeling like I really wanted to put my hand up and ask to be in the Relationship Building group and mentally tell myself to stay as much away from the Execution group people as possible in life. I don’t know why I ended up with Strategic as my leading trait, But I 100% emotionally and mentally connect more with the Relationship Builders. I need fluff, and I expect fluff. The most fluff the better. I’m all about caretaking of others, and making sure others’ feelings are acknowledged, recognised, and looked after. I could not STAND the 3 in my Strategic group. What they hated or loved I could not relate, and I could not be bothered to add or disagree with anything they raised in their Love & Hate. I just wanted to add “I need fluff”. Fluff is important. People are important, how saying/doing something makes people feel is important, whereas Execution people -- simply don’t care, and Strategic people simply don’t care about people – it’s all just ideas, evidence, facts, data and uniformity or scattering colors. Those will never be my kinda people. I don't know how the Strengths calculation did its job, I calculated all the items in each 4 leading attributes The highest number of attributes I have is actually under Influencing. That'd make more sense to me than any of the other categories... :( How can you NOT do something without taking consideration of how it would make others feel and of its impact on others? It’s the basic of basic acts of humanity and sign of maturity to take into consideration of others in every action we take and with every word we say. 1 of the people in the Strategy group even said, “I found out that Empathy is at the very bottom of my list, which made me feel so much better as a person.” They said it with such pleasure i couldn’t but gawk and gasp and pull my hair on the inside! Get me out of this group! What ARE these people? Are they even human??? I don’t belong here!!  |
