Benoit: Meaning, Leaving NZ, Finding a Community, & Goals

“How meaningful is life for you lately?”
I think i lose a sense of meaning recently 
I created meaning so it means i'm able to create it again
At the moment i'm disconnected to the way it creates meaning
I think there is too much change in my life
It’s a good thing up to a certain point where i lost some marks that’s central to my way of thinking
It’s a good thing to renew the point of view but spending your time adapting to change?
There’s been some revelations this weekend
I’m still digesting a lot of that
Im adjusting ...
I've started an introspection process
I don't want to be blocked by the old judgement at my home
And i'm more interested in seeing what’s familiar inside for me

How fertile as a land it is that is your life?
It’s very simple and good question
I think it’s a fertile land where there is nothing on it
The land is very good to grow anything but there’s inside it

What did you like about Japan?
I didn't spend enough time there, of course of course
I had too much expectations for japan not enough for malaysia
So i prefered Malaysia because of having no expectations for it
I wasn’t surprised by anything i saw in Japan
I was trying to continue to adjust my perception ike i do in melbourne and all those places
It’s not being grabbed by the new place by surprise
It’s like oh this is a nice place 
There’s nothing that changed me that’s what i'm sad about

How was Malaysia?
It’s related to the simplicity of life there probably
Probably the simplicity of behavior as well because it's connected...you can see more easily the human nature
I like they have so much access to so much good things
So cheap 
And everyone has access to it
I didn’t know it’s such a muslim country
I like to see normal people 
People who are nice and friendly
I really liked penang
It was really nice and beautiful 
And totally different from KL 
The simplicity of life was nice
Easy access to nature

May I ask, Why did you come to NZ?
Did I not tell you?
E: I never asked.
B: I needed to break with my past
And i wanted to go to a place where i would actually more to the environment - nature & people
Nz was just an interesting place for that
It was a developed country enough for me to have a modern life
Where i could express myself
I will become a baker because i'm not a baker
Where i'm from it’s half city half country side 
There’s probably a few reasons to leave NZ
Just the willing of life

So what did NZ not offer you?
--- the diversity of moving myself all the time - i had to move all the time to see diversity
--- not enough point of view. It’s too easy to enjoy
Sydney for me was to be a freelancer - my freedom - it’s sth i wanted to do for quite a long time
To work for myself and not depend on one company
To be honest what i feel like doing at the moment is to not work - 

How would the perfect friendship look like for you?
Someone that brings inspiration to you and me to them

What are your greatest fears, if there are any?
I spent quite the last years of my life trying t face and fight my fear
Si keep going this way
Which means every time i think about it, i make a point out of it
It’s not realising my true potential. 
Let’s say it more definitely, not going the furthest i can.
I just want to realise who i am. It doesn't have to be like by developing myself.


What kind of people do you love the best?
People that walk the talk

The worst kind of people?
The exact opposite way. It can lead them to being noone.

What is your way of helping people?
They just need to realise it. That’s sth there’s not much to do about it.
What can you do with people that don’t want to realise that?
They need to understand what caused them to  do that
Then we can make

There is a few.
1 which is really redundant is don’t produce their mistake, on purpose or not, and face the outcome of it.
“oh you cannot give me advice because they’re my parents.”
I remember what’s interesting thing i’ve done in my life is i actually find the solution and go do what it takes to fix the problem. I’ve done that in wellington. And it’s one of the things i’m most proud of.

How are you connecting with your guitar(s)?
Each time i sell one and buy another one
The one i gave up in wellington
Because it’s the best guitar i ever had
I didn't know it was the best guitar i ever had
Because i always compared it
Now i know i lost sth
I took the electric accoustic, for the process of creativity
Somehow i know it would, but the quality of the sound of the guitar, because the bod being smaller
What i love the most is strumming, lots of energy, finding rhythm , make a mistake and make sth good out of it
In terms of the left hand i’m always exploring
I fucking should do sth out of it
It’s not ok to be so static with my left hand
I’m using 50% of the instrument
I think guitar is worse
There’s 2 different things you have to do
Without the left hand, you’re just doing patterns
I’m just doing baby steps
It’s not good enough
It’s just not good enough
I don’t know yet how to improve

E:
It’s like some people in life , they’re playing w their left hand
BL that is a fucking great way of putting it. That’s true 

How much place does music have in your life? Are you listening to music all the time though?
All the time. But, it’s dangerous sometimes, because i can be disappointed what i do

Music I once said is a giving and receiving - and you said, it’s bidirectional
It can’t be otherwise.
Even when i relate to my music, i relate to it
And i feel that at some stage someone will speak my language
Before when i was not ok with playing w someone now i don’t give a shit, i have a guitar in the end, doesn't’ matter whether you like it or not, fuck you, i feel like what i’m doing.

Would you be okay to be blind or deaf?
You know what? I think i am blind
I don’t know if i tell you
Without lens, i couldn’t evolve into society
It’s true! It’s absolutely true
I see shades. Colors. I can or cannot recognise ish things
But truly it’s a different life.

E: in what life

B:
They're different
I can’t identify things

E: sometimes it’s nice to see everything blurry

B:
Exactly that’s right
There’s a french writer
Hit’s nice to be choose than to see things
frederick be
Me: i did. I became so analytic. Because in my true nature, i learn how to bring stuff closer to me.
To bring them closer , to see them i needed to bring them closer
And it has some effect to my personality
Some people are their personality
Some people neglect it, their ability and their personality 


Evans:
“I’m gonna zip my boots and go back to my roots
Not the roots in men”
I think that funk music release more truth than anything 
They are releasing music for people to dance with
how crazy is that

Finding w happiness with just that state of mind
So many people chasing chasing
It’s fucking poetry

Music is always good and bad
At the moment i cannot relate to a conversation because probably it’s not the right music too
There’s music which are good for...some context, others are not

E: why do you think that is

B:
it’s easily demonstrable
If i put you some music of britney spears...if you don't feel disturbed i will put it louder you will feel disturbed

E:
It’s frequency...

B:
Sth i was thinking
I was listening to music that’s very powerful
They should do some music place e.g. clubs these days - clubs are actually the place where you’re interacting with people there with music
People are falling over
It would be 100% experience
The mass black that’s growing with people these days is that they’re growing distanced from themselves
That they’re no longer getting pleasure out of it

I want to do sth for undoing sth
I was considering kite surf
I thought about what you were saying
I’m an active being - my body being s meant to be used in action
Maybe this contemplative state is not useful for me
It’s not what i need
Probably forcing and pacing and leaving the wind
But
There is a certain level you can reach which gives you certain ability
With the snowboard - no matter how high you jump, it’s the same feedback

When i went to gili gili -- i had a struggle going into the water
I didn’t like the darkness
It’s like death to me

E: it’s just unnatural, we’re not meant to be there
We’re not supposed to swim around the coral reefs and kill them at the same time
Crazy stuff live in deep water
There are more creatures in the ocean than there are on land & in the sky but
We’re not made for being deep in the water
It’s unnatural
It’s cool what crazy things people can do but
It’s unnatural
Like Felix Brau. skydiving from space but
I don’t see the point of that

B: Falling is natural 


Goal in the next 2 , 5, and 10 years:
You’re lucky. I actually wrote it down on paper.
You’re fucking lucky.
Do you want me to read it?

It was a goal i fixed
But i lost and now i wanna fix it again
It’s not gone yet, it’s back
It’s feeling love again
Or falling in love again

And
There is waking up my instinct

It’s sth i’ve written 13 July 2014
2 fucking years ago
It ‘s supposed to happen in 1 year
But maybe it’s a constant goal

Maybe it's about money making
Handling well my positions
A lifestyle, sth constant
It’s very related to being constant

There is building up myself knowing myself and work out

In 5 year - Starting a family
 At The moment i don't have any goals for 10 years
But in the long run, i want to achieve myself into whatever i start
If it’s a family,it’s about being a father
If it’s a model in a community, it’s about being a model

I think some stuff - being a pillar for my family
Which ive started in coming back to france
It’s for 10 years

How do you want to be a pillar for your family
B: helping guiding

What is the importance of being in the moment?
Not worrying about the future
Not being concerned about the past
The most important, relating to your own life
The poetry
E: so being the poetry rather than trying to read it
B: yeah, being the poet of your life


What is the one thing that will definitely make you happy?
And very depressed?
Good question.
I think when everyone in my life is happy.
E: that’s harrrrrd!!
B: it’s my project. If they’re not , out of my life
To reach a level of consciousness which will allow me to choose any -- 
I want to be aware of movement.
E: why movement instead of non-movement
B: it’s like a plane, they’re meant to be in the air. They’re not meant to be on the ground.
Because We’re all active things.

When sth really horrible just happened to you, how do you usually deal w it? what is your process
I digest. And acknowledge. Or i acknowledge to digest. 
Then i take an action if there is one.
Otherwise i live with it. 
Or i die with it. It’s a good way to say it because, 
“as soon as we’re born, we start to die.”

How do you perceive sadness, hardship, difficulty, struggles and pain?
Struggle i can see it as a challenge. But sadness, not.
Sadness i perceive it as a turn of reflection. Maybe it helps to find sth positive out of it. 
Everything falls into place. 

Do you think it’s important to be lonely? What is the importance of loneliness?
I grew up lonely to be honest
I never found a matching environment for me
I been changing environment al lot
Loneliness for me was a bit of a defeat
That’s what its meaning
If you’re not surrounded, you're not surrounded , you’re failing
But it’s poetry we’re talking about
There’s no way you can see it in people
There’s no way to relate to people
Until people see what you see, and you see what they see, wow, that’s a long walk

Everything is about balance
You need to put you out of yourself
Sometimes you just need to see the shade of tree
I have a nice tree in front of my house
It’s getting pinkish in spring time
These days, i'm really appealed by the shade of things
I love the shade , it’s fucking great
Like the shade of the tree is moving
It’s like a print of the tree on the ground

The problem is
I see what would be good
But if i don't see the big picture of it
I don't start the process
Maybe i'm too ambitious - that’s it! You were asking me what is my worst trait -
There fucking go!

I’m gonna go see a horse
I have a friend She’s a bit special
She has a horse
She really enjoys the time to spend with it
She invited me to come and 
It’s sth somehow i’ll relate to 
She’s gonna be on a horse
I will be not alone
And actually enjoy the company of someone
Actually i’ll see someone in their true skin
Isn’t that fantastic!

A wild horse - what does it mean
First it’s a wild animal
It doesn't live alone
Would it be wild on its own

E: Yah, coz it’ll always be looking for sth
B: that's right...food...or a mate...

E: I don't know...have you seen a wild horse?
B: have you?
E: yah...
I don't know, when i see a horse...that’s tamed..i feel sad for them because
If i was a horse...i would NEVER ever stop kicking
I would do Anything to get out

Have you seen the movie Spirit?
It’s worth watching.

B:
Maybe it’s like a commitment to any of these ideas
At the moment i'm adjusting my relations circle , reducing everything, i’m prioritising a lot
It’s a survival instinct 
I know too much, that’s the problem

I don’t want to feel oppressed

E: Who does

B: when you choose to be a leader, you feel oppressed, not only by your own duty
In modern companies, you just have to manage the pressure coming above you
It’s really shit. It's a total rip off of the concept of leadership
A company works with people, about sth...
I’m trying to do a crossing between what i know, where i wanna go.
It’s very abstract

 A word that comes to my mind often is poetry
I want to connect to more of the poetry of life
Poetry is absolutely not connected to any concept to any productivity or duty
Maybe some duty can come under way

Once you found a reason , what makes you unique, you become indispensable to this world
(!!)

E: you have more drive to live to keep going when you found a reason

You used to say “Work is a place I don't want to be.”
“It is a meaningless action to preserve my rights on a foreign land”
You “changed 5 times of work and 10 times of places (including short term) in the last year”
It’s said because, to me “it aggravates me if someone proclaims life is meaningless when its the choices that have to be made that suppresses the actual meaningful existence we have and deserve coz Working and helping people is different
U recognize the sense of neediness and urgency in life at its barest state
Life is a struggle and its nice that way”

“Meaning is what is the most personal that we apply as filter on things we experiment
If what you experiment does not trigger feeling strings
It may have no meaning
This is our duty to feel the pleasure in simple things
But we unfortunately also have the capacity of seeing the world as a big picture
This is where it gets complicated
We would not be greedier than snail without this ability”

What would your next ideal job be/consist of?

You said “I realise that places where I live cannot be complete without a sense of servitude” “I still have this memory of a meaningful presence in my job of Trademe”
“So I am currently trying to recreate an environment similar which would allow me to reestablish a balance to grow my truth on the side”
“Cause at the moment I am a desert where nothing can grow
That is very interesting to be a desert too”
“Desert are meant to be as well”
“It just a place where life is hard
And difficult to grip
Not a luxury greenish life
Not the one I love
But life
I have to go out of it
I know it is about a few adjustments or a big change to get out of this
It will not happen without effort though
Passivity will only lead to more desert places
May be a land more fertile will come”

I cruelly insisted that desert is beautiful & necessary...i said w times of rest comes times of change
You said “Necessary place to remind life what is not comfortable”
Because “ive come to understand that its important to have low times
its important that we have that
so we can push out of it again
like all the seeds,
we have to be buried
to push through earth
and sprout into being”
You responded:
“I am preparing my new land then
That is good”


What is the world?
How do we know it?
You said “ Everything we can imagine without touching it”
Hence i added “meaninglessness comes from a definition that we are not supposed to settle with
there is so much possibility to what the world, what life, could be.
to lose that sense of curiosity
to forget that we have possibilities out there
makes us say, life has no meaning.”
You wrote back: The issue comes when your time available for free thoughts get limited with something (work for instance) which is not your concern and tend to replace your meaning with its meaning
There are actions to do against it. But when you physical freedom is tied to it
There is something quite wrong
I just have lost it (the big picture)”

Tell me about the intestines being the second brain again please if you may?
You watched this amazing doco once about it.
And you said that humans are bacteria of the universe
You said “the immune system is not like soldat that fights for good
It is like a strength that auto balance itself
Means every disease is always already a part of us but become a disease when unbalanced
Just like human on earth”


What do you consider your greatest achievement?
It’s not arrived. yet.
Went out of my previous self.
Of my previous me.

What historical figure do you most identify with?
There was none of them.
I had to find them myself, whether it was in reading or...whatever i could find inspiration, in culture, 
There was not enough that. No one to push you, no ...
A lot of the philosophers...that help me relate advising. To put things into perspective. And...
They’re not only ..
I love Nietzsche. I like a few of his talks. 
Some stuff that come from the japanese culture as well. Miyamoto Kazushi. The self made samurai. 
Stuff that comes out of cinema , in reading, - people as well like - 
Sometimes just somebody out of his life - observe what he’s been saying
Trying t make the most of any source of inspiration
French writer - andre gide - he’s very interesting - i read him when i was quite depressed when i was younger - he was talking about any ways of enjoying life - i really absorbed - things he said maybe wasn’t true but it's still useful for me in the future
I think any culture feels pop culture to me now
There’s not one that comes to me and say he’s not 
What makes people interesting is actually their paradox.

E: Well that’s their balance at the same time.
B:well people that don't live with their paradox they aren’t interesting
E: They should always embrace what’s happening in themselves

Who are your heroes in real life? 
No but i can take people as model. Form some part of their life.
I can look at someone putting out of his box and look for what is the best
Matthew is one of the most constant people i know
He’s been through sports, and study, anything that requires some effort
And that's inspiring for me
Because the only time where i've been constant in my life that’s when it brought me the best result
I think it's when you feel like you’re achieving as well
But you need to feel feedback from nature
If you don't get this feedback it’s hard to maintain the constancy
Maybe the first push from nature helps you to be constant
A positive circle
It’s a virtue 


What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? 
There’s definitely sth.
Let me find out the word...
I feel like i'm rejecting myself so much 
For me i'm an imperfect thing as if i just work all the time to fix sth
There’s nothing which is perfect 
That means everything has to be fixed 
We’re in a competitive world
Recently i lost the central point
I lost where my qualities and what actually ...there’s some sort of stuff we’re given at birth
If you know what it is, you can translate them into actions. 
Sometimes you 
It’s related to a fusion between instinct and growth
Growth is everything you absorb in your brain, as a person - to do sth out of life, 
Instinct is more like how to act
There’s a difference between action and reaction


What is the trait you most deplore in others?
The lack of integrity
But the thing is, selfishness is a reaction, i mean, if the action is a reaction...
If there’s no one to judge you, there’s never a lack of integrity

What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
I always find the truth on both sides of the coin
Sth i had in common with the australian girlfriend i had
She said that to me as well, she was seeing every positive aspects in everything
It’s exactly the same situation for me all the time
It’s very creative for me, you can see positivity in 1 2 3 steps going all the way
If you tell me that this quality is not very good, 
I would say well,

What is your greatest regret?
I gave up on my regrets.
They can go fuck themselves.
Because i grew up with it
I haven't been to school in a way 
I haven't had a normal childhood
Sth i must undergo and not create it
Sth that’s not in my control
I don't wanna blame myself for it

What is your current state of mind?
Depends on my mind and my body
Sth i found about in australia
When you feel stressed, and you consider you’re not ...it affects your emotions and your feelings
You need to always make a distinction
That’s sth i struggle to do
I'm trying to meditate from time to time
I’m not doing good enough
That’s sth i need to blame myself for it
I know how good i feel when i do that
It’s hard to create that energy 
Right now i don't know what job i want
But i'm way more healthier than i was in australia
I'm doing a lot of exercise 
Mind positive as well
I cannot state on anything, on happiness or anything
Sth i always found - i always a problem to find a solution
I always choose to do that
I find it not enough for whatever reason
Often i criticise sth and i find answer for it
When you see people who just face people who just find critique, they just find negative for it
To them, it’s just negative, that just goes against the energy
Lots of people to a certain point will reject a critic
To some extent, if you go deep enough, you will be rejected

Maybe that’s why i'm looking for that loneliness


If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? 
Naaaa i dont want to anymore
It’s when we totally give up
E: Sometimes you gotta help people by stopping to help them

Where would you like to live?
Underneath the shade of a tree in a place that allows it
A community with security

What is your motto, if any? 
That’s sth i build on a day to day basis.
I have nothing to stick to.
E: what would you like to tell the world if it’s the one thing they should do?
B: i would tell them to listen and play music. 
Musicians are my models. And i don’t care the way they live. 
When i say They‘re my models, i don’t want to hear they make music out of it, i don't want a musician who makes money. But makes sth out of it
There’s a song - where is the wind - oh my god! Have you heard this song? It’s the most ..its so opera...




Favorite food: 
always temporary. If i had to tell you, eggs. It’s not my favorite, but because it’s simple, i will be able to eat it until it. It’s perfect. It’s like potatoes. It tastes less, but it gives more taste. Plus all the positive things it gives to your body.

What is freedom to you?
In the past i was wrong. Today i may be right.
That it’s to go anywhere anytime
Coz it’s space freedom
But the freedom to do whatever you want, it’s not whatever Shit YOU want but whatever you truly want