 For the last couple of months,
I've been saying "I need to do better", You know how people make personal goals - this is definitely my goal [- being honest with myself]. I believe I’m a honest person. Sometimes when you’re honest, you’re more blunt. I’m naturally a really blunt person, especially when it comes to my family. And when I’m really aware of my own flaws, I have to be really blunt with myself. People told me to go to Korea, coz they’re [blunt over there] like that. I definitely believe China’s like that. [And] Chinese parents. Last week, I told my advisor, I never said this before, [that] 'I’m struggling with this.” It’s not just [being] honest with myself, it’s being honest out loud. Everyone struggles with not showing weakness. I don’t really care [how I may come across to people]. If I come across as a dork - I’m a dork; if I’m a bitch, I’m a bitch. It’s funny how instantly I can admit the fear of ignorance. That’s another thing I been trying to work on. When I realised my own ignorance, I became scared. For the first time, I really wanted something. I want a lot of things, I realise I can be quite disconnected [from] my emotions. I want something, but I may not necessarily feel it. So, I had a deep self-discovery. Like university for instance: for a long time, I thought my intellect was enough, I don’t need to learn any more; I only realised last week just what it means: university means education - in order to understand other people’s perception, you need to be educated in certain areas. And it dawned on me: I was really stupid, not stupid, but ignorance. The concept of stupidity[...]it breaks out any fears that you have. When I realised how intellectually inept. I started being scared of my ignorance. It’s almost like a child coming to understand the world again. I really want to do well at uni this year. This year is the first time I felt pressure, I experience [it] for the first time. It’s both positive and negative pressure. When I first felt it, I didn’t want do anything - I never felt it before, now I know what it is. Realisation is important. After, I realised: I need to put this pressure into good use. A pressure is like a good motivation. It’s not working for me yet: I freeze in terms of avoidance. But when I’m confronting this pressure, I feel like this is not getting me anywhere. I realise if I really want something, I would stay up 24/7 to get it done. I don’t want a degree, but I think it’ll help a long way in my specific case. If I started something I have to finish it. The only thing that’s [an] exception is [when it comes to studying] Sociology - I don’t see it benefiting my future in any way, because I don’t care about social norms. I’m tired of Marxism - they’re all ideals. I have my own personal ideals. Whether they come to something at the end of the day, it’s not up to me, it’s up the world. I can provoke ideas, but it doesn’t guarantee it‘ll change anything. when I realise that reality, or form of reality, I just realise psychology would be more beneficial. ... The world doesn’t like uncertainties. It likes to know what something is because there’s a certainty to it. For me, to be visually impaired, I actually like [uncertainty]. Because I can’t see everything so it gives me this uncertainty that actually comforts me. My role in this world [this year]. I think it’s a happy role. Meet people, talk all the time. My role in life is just to connect with people. Talking to people will help me find where I fit. My lifestyle for the future is a simple life style: just to have lots of money, and go to cafes and talk to people. For me, it’s such a natural concept, just how disconnected people are, it’s really sad. I would be a professional best-friend to people. Just listening. People don’t know what other people are like. They aren’t willing to break [the ice] to make the first step. I realise I don’t wanna have more friends, you have to segregate your time. I’m trying to be more diligent [with] time [and] with things, one of those things is being on time to see my friends. I think you just have to do it [with] whatever energy level you have. Today I’m hyper, I can see 5 people; tomorrow I’m tired, I can only see 1 person. I’d like to just stay at home, and have people come to me. I love hosting. Anytime anyone needs to be hosted, just come over. I’ve come to terms that I’m quite a nurturing person. I have a strong maternal instinct. As soon as I see children, I just kind of blow up inside. I just wanna feed people, make sure they’re treated well. I [have an] inner instinct of curiosity and to connect with people, find out as much as I can, and analyse them. (I've been watching Criminal Minds) profiling people just to understand where people come from. I like to understand those things, I just want to help that way. I want to be able to help them - in ways (where they will come) to find stability, to help them move on with their lives instead of moaning (about things). Watching a lot of Criminal Minds, you do get [to see] the empathetic side of the criminal, that we are all humans: we start off as humans; and somewhere along the way, whether it’s to do with environment [or something else], the person broke [away] and they became different - which is why we want to be individuals but we want to be common. I don’t pity people. I don’t sympathize. If you kind of just wallow or give them sympathy, it makes it worse. I have it myself. People sympathise with me. I really hated it. It doesn’t help; it puts me off; it doesn’t benefit me; it doesn’t add to a future. That’s cool, but what I’m gonna do with that? My favourite Japanese pop star said in an interview, “I’m always gonna be a child.” That’s why I wanna connect with people, coz children do that. That’s what my parents were nervous about all my life: “She’s one of those kids that could get easily kidnapped.” [When in fact,] I would be the worst person to kidnap: coz I’ll be talking to you all the time and ruin your journey. ... All these thoughts have came to definite conclusion because I took time off last year. The first half of the year, I got a lot of negative backlash [from people] for not doing anything. They don’t understand the concept of taking time. I realise this year I want to live till 100. I’m gonna take as much time as I want, now. I have no regrets if I die tomorrow, because I’m really happy. ... I never appreciated my organic background. When I came to NZ, I became [a] Kiwi and my parents tried to blend in [the organic into Western diet]. I always got the organic, they fuse all the organic. In Samoa, if you want meat, you just kill your own meat. I like that, I like the idea of eating your own animal. You know what went in it. When it dies, you have to really let it go. My uncle in Samoa had all these pigs in the back. One day I heard a gunshot: “Ah I just killed a pig. It’s my favourite pig but we have to eat.” It’s kinda disturbing but there’s that easy switch between connecting and disconnecting. But it’s necessary. ... What’s the one thing you’ll say to your children or grandchildren before you die? “Be kind and forgive. And always connect.” I probably won’t say anything. I’m going to eat, and eat, and eat until I die. There’s not going to be time for tears. Rachel now works for the Ministry to Education full time talking to a lot of people everyday.
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